A Living Will .net

Cremation and the Death of Your Spouse

For so long I experienced life as John and Amy, as Mr. and Mrs. Now I am just Amy. Amy alone. No John by my side. And I am terrified. I wrote this journal entry about two weeks after another car slammed broadside into my husbands, killing him instantly. In that moment, death slammed broadside into my life and I had to learn to let go of the one person I thought I could never live without. I felt many things-anxiety, sadness, gratitude, loneliness, anger, and more. As I looked ahead, though, there was one overriding emotion, fear. I felt unable to make decisions, incapable of even the simplest tasks.

I have since learned that fear, like grief, need not dominate your life or last forever. When fears are expressed and dealt with honestly, they eventually resolve, leaving hope for peace, healing, and even joy. Let’s look at some fears that come with the territory and share suggestions for coping. Although your grief is individual and unique, perhaps some of these tips will work for you.

Three months after John’s death I said to a friend, “I’m scared to look ahead. When those two cars hit, all our plans and dreams evaporated, and there is nothing left. My entire future got wiped out in an instant. My friend wisely said, “No, Amy, your future was not wiped out. John’s was, at least on this earth. You still have a future; it’s just going to be very different than you thought.” Her words pierced through the fog. She was right. The next evening I looked back at goals I’d written in my journal. Some were directly related to John, but others were not. I wanted to vacation at the ocean, audition for the community theater, and work with the church youth group. I dreamed of taking voice lessons, and some day publishing a book. There were still goals I could reach and things I could do, if I so chose. I could never go “back to normal”-that “normal” would never exist again. But perhaps I could build a “new normal” that fit me. It wouldn’t be the same without John, but for the first time I dared to think maybe it could still be good. There was some continuity. All was not gone. I did indeed have a future.

The author C.S. Lewis wrote, “no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” Because it is scary to confront grief, many widowed people avoid solitude like the plague. They obey the standard wisdom that says you should keep busy and not think about it. Granted, a certain amount of busyness is a good thing. It is healthy to grieve in spurts, allowing yourself time to relax, to breathe, and even to laugh. Yet we need balance, because grief doesn’t go away until you work through your emotions. Take time to name and express your feelings. I wrote in a journal every night. Sometimes I sat on the “pity pot” temporarily, feeling sorry for myself, whining, or throwing an old-fashioned temper tantrum on the floor. Perhaps you prefer to pound nails into wood. You can sketch or scribble or use finger paints. You can make something out of clay and then decide whether to smash it or keep it. None of these creations has to be “good” and no one ever has to see them. They just have to get the emotions out. Through it all, go ahead and cry. It is common to fear that once you start crying you won’t be able to stop. But that has never happened in the history of humankind. You’ll be OK. In fact, you’ll be more OK than before. There is a physiological chemical in tears that relieves stress. And when your emotions are spent for the moment, do something you find comforting. It feels good, and helps restore some of the energy grief siphons off.

Many widowed people rightly fear they no longer fit into their social circles. If you have known a couple for a very long time, they may remain good friends, providing stability even as others fall away. For the most part, though, your life has changed and your network of friends eventually reflects that fact. You need to build new connections, particularly among unmarried people. The most comfortable relationships, especially initially, are with other widowed people. After all, they understand your experience. Check your place of worship, hospice, or hospital for support groups. It takes courage to attend but it is well worth it. The people there will nod their heads and affirm your feelings; they’ve been there, too. These groups provide a non threatening was to create new support and friendship networks. Like you, most of them are looking for someone with whom to have coffee, or a group to go see a movie with, or a phone number they can call when it’s a rough day.

Everyone who lives alone knows that homes creak and groan, especially in the middle of the night. Movies showcase the horror of confronting a madman with a weapon. Rather than succumbing to fear, take reasonable steps for safety. Make sure your home is secure, and if it’s affordable install some basic security devices. In addition to physical safety, it helps many people to rely on faith. I learned that no matter how much people loved me, no matter how often they said, “Call me any time,” they didn’t really mean 3:00 in the morning when I was terrified and didn’t know if I could go on. But God was there, holding me close, easing my fears, and giving me everything I needed. Rely on your spirituality in whatever form that takes, and let divine power help you heal.

So much of your identity and routine was intertwined with your spouse that it’s hard to know who you are by yourself. You can feel vulnerable and exposed. If you are open, though, you may begin to discover the freedom and adventure of being on your own. For instance, one woman’s husband would eat only butter pecan ice cream, so that’s all she ever bought. After he died, she wanted to find the ice cream she liked best. She discovered two favorites -mint chocolate chip and rocky road. She still occasionally has butter pecan in memory of her husband, but now she knows something about herself she didn’t know before. It was one small step in discovering her new identity. It’s amazing to find out how many things you can actually do. I learned how to mow the lawn and do simple plumbing repairs. I got a device to help open tight jar lids. I painted the bedroom a different color. For areas where I didn’t feel competent, I got help. For instance, I asked friends until I found a good handyman and a trustworthy financial advisor. As I learned and grew, I became stronger and more confident in myself. Of course I still missed John, wished he were there, and sometimes resented being alone. But I also came to know I could survive without him, and perhaps one day even enjoy life again.

It may seem counterintuitive, but sometimes the most helpful way to handle fears is to imagine the worst that could possible happen, and then decide whether you could survive it. What is the worst scenario, for instance, if you don’t have enough money to keep your house? Even though you don’t want to, could you survive if you had to get an apartment or move in with a friend or a grown child for a while? Chances are pretty good that no matter the consequences of your fears, you would still be OK even if the worst happened. That knowledge can take away some of fear’s power. You can cope. You can go on. You can survive.

Healing takes far longer than you might imagine. Sometimes you take three steps forward and two steps back. For many people, the second year is actually harder than the first. But gradually the memories bring smiles instead of tears, and you take the past with you into a new tomorrow. You never forget; you carry your beloved with you forever as a cherished part of who you are, yet you grow and become a more compassionate, appreciative, and tolerant person. As you keep facing your fears you will learn to embrace life again, connecting, laughing. And loving with a full heart.

If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

About the Author

We have provided important accurate information needed by the consumer in order to make informed decisions. Whether you utilize our site for the free online grief support or your loved one was a veteran and benefit information is needed or you just have questions about Cremation process and our many options, let us offer our helping hand.

Tammy Faye, RIP

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